Bumps & Worries 🤕

I honestly feel so depressed and sad, I can’t believe I just knocked my babies head on the cupboard. During pregnancy and even after I gave birth I’ve been so scared that this would happen, I thought to myself that it’s inevitable that one of us would “hurt” her in some way of course without intending to do so, I knew the day would come but I wasn’t prepared. I’m sitting here crying feeling terrible but telling myself that this doesn’t make me a bad mum, I didn’t mean to do it and I wish I had moved differently so that wouldn’t have happened but it did and I can’t change it so what I have to do now is stay strong, keep an eye on her and take this as a learning experience! O didn’t even cry or anything, no bruises or bumps, no marks or noticeable changes in her behaviour, it all seems ok but I can’t help panicking anyway! Man…I feel awful, I can’t even describe it!

Gosh I really hate this part of being a parent, the constant worry that your child is or isn’t ok, the constant worry that there are things that can harm O- how do you parents handle this????

Baby number 2

Can you imagine this was a post I had written when O was 1 month?! I still feel the same way of course.

I’ve always dreamt of having 4 kids, It went like this; girl meets boy, romance blooms, boy proposes, girl says yes, marriage at 25, pop out 4 kids- 26 years old Kid number 1 – boy named Heaphaestion, 28 years old, 2nd&3rd – twins boy and girl and at 30 the 4th kid- adopted boy from Mongolia. House filled with thousands of dogs and pets, happily ever after. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

But knowing me, It really came as no surprise that my life went in quite the messy unexpected way and chose to re arrange the steps, causing me to be quite scandalous actually (24, not married, baby on the way- born when I was 25). I always seem to do things a bit differently than the normal person, my dad can definitely attest to that, I can just see him rolling his eyes in agreement (I LOVE YOU DAD)!

As scary and unprepared as I was and still am, I just have to say messiness and scandal aside, I absolutely love the way my life is, I mean, I cannot even pause to imagine what life was like before Olive, and yes of course there are plenty of struggles, and I find myself in a sprint to grow up, but we (Wayne and I ) are both learning how to be a parents, it’s a confusing messy incredibly scary road, but I look into my baby girls eyes, and I welcome the challenge with open arms. we are not where we want to be yet in terms of income etc but we cant help finding life to be just really good. I stop to reflect on all the joy and happiness i’m surrounded with, and I’m so grateful. I value it so much.

Now labour was a real bitch (read bout it here), and I will be the first to tell anyone that it was the worst experience of my life, I’ve even sworn in the past that the next child will be carried by a surrogate mother because I just cannot go through that again. But recently I’ve found myself fanaticising about how nice a baby number 2 would be, I find myself dreaming about another little baby brother for Olive, and furthermore I dream about carrying him myself. And I think this is what people mean when they say you forget the pain, I definitely have not forgotten the pain and I don’t think I ever will but it slowly just becomes so irrelevant because the little bundle of joy you get from it is the best thing you could ever think to dream of! And could you imagine receiving another gift just as precious as the one you already have?

side note; I’ve been told by quite a few people that I should also just get them all out of the way right now (these are usually ranging in the elderly Kenyan demographic), but I must say,they have me really tempted!! But ok ok breath everyone because as irresponsible as we seem, we really are not thinking about baby number two at this minute. We want to be ready for him/her. But in the meantime.. one can dream right?!



These are my confessions

Ok so in my post Hit & Run I talked about how I would always, ALWAYS make sure Olive is in her car seat, well yesterday, on the way back from lunch from the hub which is 10 mins away from my house I sat with Olive in my arms breastfeeding her because she was hungry. Should I have waited till I got home? Definitely! Am I a bad mum? Ok, no I wouldn’t go as far as saying that but Im definitely irresponsible and these kind of behaviours need to end because Olive means the absolute world to me!!!