Breakups and Babies

Alright guys lets face it, relationships are are hard work and throwing a baby in the mix makes things that much more “hard”. A baby is definitely life changing, in the best way possible although they do bring added “stress” to a relationship. 

As many people read on my Instagram post, Wayne and I went through a break up a while ago which quickly changed into taking a break instead which is why I edited the post on Instagram. I know I said I was going to write about it all the next day but it was a little too hard for me to do. 

I’ll keep this post short as there are just so many details that I would add to this and could talk about but I feel that one would get the gist from a general post about it. 

Going through breakups are hard on their own, but again with a baby in the mix, its much MUCH harder! Your actions don’t only affect yourself, but more so your baby! Not only that, having a child means that you can not be selfish, you can not just leave without any words, you both have your baby to think about and both parties need to be involved in her life so you have to make that work for her! Having a child puts so much pressure on a relationship, its a real test; I remember reading so many articles before I gave birth that talked about how having a baby will break up your relationship and Wayne & I used to tell each other that that definitely wouldn’t apply to us. I can not be selfish about anything because our behaviour affects O and O deserves the best, she doesn’t deserve to be or feel as though she is in the middle of our fights and she should never see us fighting, so in that regard, you always need to keep calm and level headed even though all you want to do is be rude to the other one, stop talking to them and show them how much you don’t need them (which in ny case was the furthest from the truth), we need to behave normally around her and for her which again is just so difficult because you are seeing red and you don’t want to be calm and relaxed around that person! 

As I said, Wayne  and I decided to take a break because soon after the fight and we had time to cool down and we realised that we love eachother so much! Wayne and I have one hell of an amazing relationship, which is evident every day and after reflection and cool down from the fight it was and is very evident still. When you love someone with your whole heart, you can’t picture your life without them and want to make everything workout😊
The trick to our relationship is finding out how to get in sync with everything. Having a baby has made us grow up real quick, has changed us in a lot of ways, there are many things in our relationship that work for us and don’t work and the trick is to find a way to get in sync again the way we were before O came around. It’s really that simple. Things have changed and we need to recalibrate and adapt, which isn’t hard, communication is key and we will get there 😊
P.s WE’RE OFFICIALLY BACK TOGETHER Y’ALL ❤

#RealTalk

 

Good Morning

Life is hard!

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mum, I love my life and everything that’s happening at the moment but it’s SO hard. I think you all know from previous posts as well as if you know me in real life I love my daughter, Boyfriend & dog, and I am so grateful for everything but man… life has been kidogo (a little bit) rough recently; super early mornings, super late nights, 2 full time jobs; being a mum first and foremost & full time Social media marketing as well as photography gigs and part time work as a photographer, whatever I can get on the side. It’s been a rough month for the Karanja-Mutiso household despite all the hard work, people not paying up and expecting way too much of you, perhaps even asking things of you that are not your role seems to have been the may theme, so I mean I feel like I’m working 5 jobs not really earning as much as I should be, always worrying about where money is going and what it’s being spent on has been actually really rough, between rent, food costs, constant immunizations and hospital bills for Olive, vet and food costs for Bahati, taxi’s etc, I’ve been stressed out every single day this month! I’ve had breakdowns almost every single day and I’m trying to just keep positive. There are amazingly positive days then just really bad days but stress has accompanied them all! Being a full-time mum is even harder than giving birth to be honest even though I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Everything just seems to be catching up with me and not only that, I feel like because of this I’m completely stressed out all the time and that I may take it out on people around me (I’m so sorry Wayne), and I also might not be able to see my friends as much as I would like but I just want everyone to know how much I love you all!!

Wow…what a jumble of words, definitely a reflection of life right now but that’s my #REALTALK for the day.

Love & Light

 

 

You can’t do it like I can

I want to do absolutely everything for Olive, even though I’m very tired, yes, that doesn’t mean I want anyone else doing it, I may complain about being tired and having no energy, yes, but again that doesn’t mean I want anyone else taking care of her. Any new mama’s feel me on this? At times you get home after a really REALLY long day of work and you still “have” to take care of your baby and you may want to cry a little and feel sorry for yourself because you just feel so exhausted, so you do actually have a little cry and maybe be a little dramatic even though you know very well you wouldn’t have it any other way! People offer me help, like Wayne and my mother always ask if they should take Olive for a while and I answer “no” quite quickly and as if to say ” How could you even ask me that?!”, and I am so grateful for the help & support I have around me but I still want to be able to do it all!! I’m sure this will change when O is a bit bigger, I wont feel the need to do it all myself and it will be easier for me to let people take care of her while I catch some sleep or “relax” on my own for a while, but that’s my struggle at the moment!

I love spending time with my baby, she just means the absolute world to me so I know that even when I have those days that just seems too hard, I see her smile and everything is ok again, that smile is exactly why I am working so hard!

Side note, This is really terrible but do any of you mama’s or papa’s relate?; It gives me secret joys when O might not be so happy in someones arms and as soon as she gets back into mine she is happy, she loves her mama! Don’t tell me I’m the only one who thinks this. Now please don’t get me wrong, I do not in any way want O to be unhappy with people (it’s actually quite the contrary because O is quite an easy going baby and is usually happy with everyone, just those off times), I also just don’t want O to be unhappy at all, period, but there are those times it happens and I’m the only one she wants and it kind of makes me feel like I’m the best thing since breast milk in her eyes and I secretly love it!

#RealTalk

Cheers to My Number 1 Fans

Today I woke up feeling so blessed to have my parents. Don’t get me wrong, this is not the only day I have woken up feeling like this, this is just the first time I’ve realised that my parents didn’t even care what their friends would think of my pregnancy, or perhaps they did but never shared their fears with me. From the get go, the very first time they knew about my pregnancy they have been super supportive! My mum came to stay with me and help out, my dad drove all the way here everyday (ridgeways-karen) to check on me, and now to check on Olive. Not once mentioning any concerns about what anyone thinks about this whole pregnancy, I mean if I was scared about my age mates, I can only imagine what the older generation think! You know how Kenyans are very traditional when it comes to these sort of things, having a baby at 24/25 and not even married yet?! Oh gosh I can only imagine the thoughts; “look at how they raised their kids” bla bla bla (I’m just too tired to even think of all the things that could be said!) For goodness sake pursuing photography in university and as a career alone already came as a shock to quite a few, I have received a number of comments over the years that continue to shock me,  in this day and age especially but yeah I got used to that! So at the time being pregnant and now having a beautiful baby girl people must be thinking what a rebel family we are because God knows my parents did things a bit differently for their time too, apparently my mum was even called a gypsy mum by the older generation because she didn’t cover us up in 1001 sweaters, they let us run naked all over the place and be free. 

My parents actually just ROCK!! Thanks for supporting me through thick and thin, through EVERYTHING!

#GratitudeJournal #RealTalk

Domestics 🙅

As much as we women try to deny it, we are very dramatic souls, there comes those times when we just need to make our point across to our significant others that this (insert problem here) won’t fly! 

But with a new born in hand, domestics have become a much more complex situation! Now ladies, you know that pivotal moment where you’ve reached the end of your line, and all you want to do is storm out of the room in a fit of rage to complete the dramatic effect?? Well…lets just say that mine has become a little bit more complicated.

Let me lay it out for you;

1-storm out of room in fit of rage

2-storm back into said room to grab baby

3- begin to pack babys bag, complete with diapers, cream, clothes, blankets, little kit containing the thermometer etc and don’t forget the moses basket and car seat!

5- go back to your partner to calmly explain where you and OUR baby are going, because after all, she is OUR child, not only mine, but OURS and both parties need to know where she is at all times! So forget that “mysterious disappearance”

6- repeat step 3; our baby can’t have anything less because of my rage 

6- and FINALLY, with whatever dramatic flare you’ve managed to maintain throughout this 30 minute protocol, continue to attempt “dramatic exit” out of the vicinity.

I need to seriously re design my dramatic exits!!

#RealTalk

Hospital Runs 😵

Oh God! I’m sorry to use the Lord’s name in vain but I don’t think there is a stronger way if putting how I feel! We’ve just gotten back from the all night pharmacy at Karen hospital having had to buy some medicine for Olive’s gas, Wayne driving as fast as possible to avoid Bandits but at the same time having to be careful because Olive was in the car and because none of the bumps are marked…#TIA! Her gas is so bad that she is really crying in pain and we can even see & hear it sort of coming from her belly button! We almost committed insurance fraud too trying to get that medicine on Wayne’s insurance #Hustlers🙈 Any way we have the medicine and are waiting for her to wake up so we can give it to her, really praying and hoping this goes away and she’s not in pain anymore!

It’s just terrifying being a parent, constantly worried about every little thing that happens to Olive, every little Mark, discoloration, anything she puts in their mouth or that goes on her skin, every breath that sounds different, every new sound she makes, the list is honestly endless, THANK GOD for my peadiatrician Dr.Farida (at the hub, Karen), I am constantly on the phone with her or whatsapping her with every single query I have to which she is always happy to help, I wouldn’t be able to do this with out her! 

Mamas and Papas out there, if there is one piece of advice a new mama can give you is to get yourself an amazing paediatrician like mine, she honestly makes all the difference in the world, and enables me to sleep at Night!

#realtalk

Mosquito fight

Wayne and I have these play fights all the time about who loves Olive more, who the better parent is etc, all fun and games. So… last night Olive and I fell asleep next to each other and she happened to have been bitten by a mosquito, Wayne witnessed this happening, reached over and killed the mosquito but was a little too late to stop the bite, now he has real ammo against me, he brings this up all the time and will apparently never let me forget it 🙈🙈😂😂  (again, this is all fun and games, in case anyone thinks he’s really upset, he isn’t!) 

Even though I know we’re joking around, I actually feel so irresponsible that I let this happen, I mean with things like malaria, you’ve got to be careful! You can’t be lazy with things! All I had to do was put her in her crib and put her mosquito net on but nooo I thought I’d just fall asleep too.

I’m feeling a bit better now because I’ve realised some things are out of my control, she is fine right now, I will live and learn and I won’t cry over spilt milk! 
Mosquioto bite featuring Ducky the protector!

The first time I breast fed O in Public

It was one week after olive was born, that I had decided to take myself, and my beautiful baby for a little outing. I had originally expected to be in a slow recovery after the birth of Olive, but truth was, it only took me a day after her birth to be back on my feet and physically ready to rock. So when one week came around, I decided to take my little angel and I out Just to grab a quick coffee and truth be told I had taken her out from day one but those were all closer to home, it felt more safe.

Now, i’m really not sure how much of this event was my imagination, paranoia or was in fact the actual reality I went through, but this is how I remember it;

As I walked through the passage ways of the mall, with my new born baby in my arms, I felt the overwhelmingly heated gaze of a thousand strangers pick at me. Everyone had something to say about what I was doing wrong!

I sat on my table in a cafe, shortly after Olive began to cry, she was hungry, this was THAT moment my baby woke up crying, hungry in my arms, I was panicked!  I knew of course I had to feed her but I couldn’t possibly feed her here, in the open, at this cafe, in front of all of these people…could I?! I even had to call my mum to check that it was okay, I mean you hear all the things people say about breast feeding mothers in public, how taboo it may be, I wasn’t sure where I stood!  I remember my heart stopped with panic, as my eyes grew searching the waves of eyes that were watching and scrutinising my every move. But it only took a second glance at my crying baby, to ignite an overwhelming fierce protective flame in me that i’ve never felt before, completely wash away my vulnerability,  and I can clearly remember a voice taking over my body, “ F*** it, if my baby is hungry, I’m going to feed her, Damn it!”! Who I was shouting at, I don’t know!

I couldn’t stop noticing the waitresses and waiters with their stolen glances, and whispering judgements and the strangers that would shake their heads in disapproval around me. I was a deer caught in their headlights. Again I felt so transparent, I felt so vulnerable, and for some unknown reason, I felt so overwhelmingly wrong as a human being. Then again I remember those  motherly instincts kicked in and I couldn’t help thinking that all those imaginary or realistic eyes of judgement… well, can frankly go to hell.

As soon as O was fed, I felt really proud of myself even though this is a completely natural part of life because society makes you feel so worried about everything you do! At the end of the day, I was empowered, My baby was happy so I was happy!

I am also happy to say that I am much more comfortable breastfeeding in public now, sometimes I don’t even care about using something to cover O feeding- my breasts simply are now just a source of food. Someone did tell me that you do get your humility back once baby stops feeding, we’ll see!

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This was not my first time breastfeeding, this was the other day at family lunch, my little cousin Jake got a bit weirded out by me breastfeeding next to him, not sure what he was looking for under his shirt haha :p

lets talk labour!!!

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Alright so let’s talk labour, now, full disclosure; If you’re here to read me ramble on about the beauty and majesty of child birth, and how incredibly purposed and fulfilled I felt as a woman completing my womanly and very sacred duty of producing the miracle of life…you may want re evaluate your expectations, or perhaps just skip this post entirely .

I mean child birth. WTF is that all about!!
The. Worst. Pain. You. Could. Ever. Go. Through!!!!!
Now look, I didn’t go in there expecting it to be an easy quick job, I mean I had plenty of mothers approach me with their war stories and tales of child birth, but lets be honest, NOTHING could have prepared me for what I was going to go through. Nothing!!
It wasn’t even the part of pushing a whole human being out of you that was the problem, It was those evil, horrific, excruciating, cruel, unholy contractions!! UNHOLY!!!

Now luckily (and at the same time very unlucky for me) my labour room was packed with my loving family all there to support and help me through it. Or at least try. There was my boyfriend Wayne, whose loving hand I continued to slap violently away throughout the day, as well as my mother, father, sister and mother in law.
Now a quick thank you to my mother in law and sister, who were by far the smartest of the bunch because they sat in the room completely quiet. Wayne and my dad on the other hand were in there talking about “it’s ok Tatiana” “ its fine, it will be over”…I saw red!! side note to all men and expecting fathers, if I can offer you ANY advice, DO NOT, do not, do not, do not, do notttt ever tell a screaming woman whose riving about in pain that “its okay” IT IS NOT OKAY!!!! OKAY??!!
But still, it was my mother who faced the sharpest side of my wrath, but thankfully, she just seemed to take it and completely understood what I was going through.
The nurse was also amazing, she just knew what to say, when to say it and how to say it. Her back rubs were also a big contributor to the sanity I was able to hold on to. In my darkest moments, nearing the end when I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt myself turning into a bit of a monster, but then I remember her saying “Tatiana, what happened, we used to be friends?!“, it really made me laugh, even though I didn’t show it!

And now here I sit, my aching body holding on strong to the memory of whatever traumatic event that it went through, now to think about my period I will get again in a few months, and the thought of menopause that will come in my (very distant) but true future. Hah! God, talk about favoritism of the sexes. Im done!!!

leaving O for the first time!

Last night I left Olive for the first time since she was conceived really!! She’s only 3.5 weeks old but I felt that I needed a night out and a drink 🍻 It was really one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, I cried all day yesterday thinking about being away from her. I breast feed Olive so I put her on Formula yesterday which she took to very well and will be on till tomorrow and I left her with both her grandma’s, so I knew she was in capable hands, didn’t make it any easier though! Grandma Chemeli made this delicious spiced cake with lemon icing and Orange slices for garnish which definitely helped make me a little happier 😍 I had the biggest slice ever!!

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