Bumps & Worries 🤕

I honestly feel so depressed and sad, I can’t believe I just knocked my babies head on the cupboard. During pregnancy and even after I gave birth I’ve been so scared that this would happen, I thought to myself that it’s inevitable that one of us would “hurt” her in some way of course without intending to do so, I knew the day would come but I wasn’t prepared. I’m sitting here crying feeling terrible but telling myself that this doesn’t make me a bad mum, I didn’t mean to do it and I wish I had moved differently so that wouldn’t have happened but it did and I can’t change it so what I have to do now is stay strong, keep an eye on her and take this as a learning experience! O didn’t even cry or anything, no bruises or bumps, no marks or noticeable changes in her behaviour, it all seems ok but I can’t help panicking anyway! Man…I feel awful, I can’t even describe it!

Gosh I really hate this part of being a parent, the constant worry that your child is or isn’t ok, the constant worry that there are things that can harm O- how do you parents handle this????

Hangover…and it gets worse! 👀

So I went out a few weeks ago I think about 2 or 3 and I drank myself silly. You know, I haven’t drank like that in a very long time and I honestly thought those days were kind of behind me but one thing led to another and I was wasted! Having said that, I had one of the best nights I’ve had in a very long time, started of at Muthaiga for fish bowl Friday’s then ended up at mercury and I really enjoyed my company, I really enjoyed the person I was, just generally it was an amazing night and I had a lot of fun but the next morning oh my gosh… Walalalalala 😵

Guys, I had a hangover for 3 days straight! THREE WHOLE DAYS!

 I had not felt that bad since possibly giving birth!!! it was just the worst feeling I could even imagine and obviously now times have changed and I have a baby so taking care of Olive, especially the day after going out was insanely difficult, insanely! I actually still cannot believe how bad I felt and then on top of that had to take care of Olive the entire day, just the normal things like keeping her company, changing her diaper, feeding her, entertaining her etc became some of the hardest tasks I’ve ever had to do, I tried to the best of my ability to do all of it with a smile on my face and very enthusiastically so that Olive wouldn’t feel any differently, I was just dying inside! I felt so upset with myself and current situation, I was feeling so sorry for myself yet I had no one to blame but myself so I had to suck it up and do my mummy duties! 

Having said all of that, imagine the hangover was not even the worst part- for an entire week straight I was in such a panic that I had made Olive “slow” by feeding her breastmilk with alcohol. I even took her to the doctors on 2 occasions to have her checked out, both times they said she was completely fine and healthy but I was convinced that I had done that. She seemed slower and more sleepy to me, I had even convinced myself that something had happened to her lip as I thought it looked like it was drooping then started to think I had given her a stroke somehow, though everyone- wayne, my mum & the doctors kept saying she was fine. I was going through a little depression thinking that I harmed my baby, I felt like the worst mum in the world!

I’m extremely happy to report that that whole saga is over and Olive is indeed a very happy and healthy baby, I guess you live and you learn and I really learnt, trust me 🙌

#RealTalk

Letting go

I can feel myself letting go of things…A LITTLE BIT! Let me explain;

I’m sure some of you can guess the type of mum that I am from previous posts and rants or on a personal level, but if you don’t know, I’m that super protective mum who wants to do everything for Olive on my own no matter how exhausted I might be, I am the one who carries her everywhere and makes sure she is safe, I squint and examine everyone who takes her from me always somehow feeling jealousy when she is out of my arms, the mum who doesn’t listen to people when they tell me I should put my baby down straight after feeding so that she learns not to sleep on me because I love the way she sleeps on me and feels so safe with me,or I’ll come running from any direction if I hear her cry, I take her along with me EVERYWHERE- every job I have or party I attend unless it’s a job or party that I can’t take her in which case I cry my eyes out and then only trust my parents, sister and mother in law to babysit her but even still I cry and worry so much! I could go on but I think you catch the drift? 

I guess I could blame the way I am with Olive on being a new mum, so many people tell me that they go through or went through the same things and then there are also those mums who like to show you that your way of doing things isn’t the right way but let me not get into that… anyway what I’m trying to get at is that I can feel myself letting go a little, I know her so well that when she cries and its fake crying I find myself taking a pause and letting her try and calm herself down whereas before I would have grabbed her up in a second, I feel a little more comfortable with lots of different people holding her, I feel a little more comfortable even not being in the same room with her as I’m doing errands or doing some work whereas before she had to be insight at all times, I feel a little more comfortable with the idea of leaving her at home whereas this was unimaginable before, I am so happy that I am at this point because I feel more relaxed about Olive than before, relaxed in a sense that I know she’s ok (of course I still worry every single minute of every day that Olive is ok and nothing bad happens to her and I’m there always hoping she’s not unhappy but smiling all day), but you get what I mean yeah?

#RealTalk

Stretch marks

So I thought I would write about this because a few people have asked me. First and foremost I would like to start off by saying that I don’t find stretch marks ugly at all, in fact most of us have them, big, thin, black 0r white, which honestly is something i’ve found out recently (like last 3 years) after years of being so ashamed of mine! Secondly I would also like to say that stretch marks that are caused by giving life- how could you be mad at that? seriously??

I never got any stretch marks during my pregnancy, any new ones at least although I shall definitely be blaming mine on my pregnancy from now on haha! I’m not sure what I did helped but here you go; I made sure to shower everyday and put a nice amount of nivea cocoa butter cream on, as well as some bio oil or coconut oil to my tummy and around my thighs, I would try to do it twice a day to keep my skin hydrated and oiled. Being active definitely helped, I wasn’t that active during my pregnancy in terms of the sports I used to do be before I was pregnant but I was in fact working the entire pregnancy which kept me on my feet up and running on the daily  but to be honest I feel that it was the amount of water I drank that really did the trick! I drank LOADS of water daily to keep my body & skin very hydrated.

To be fair guys, Im also quite a big person and I think I had much more space to stretch, is this a real thing or am I making this up? :p

 

 

Breakups and Babies

Alright guys lets face it, relationships are are hard work and throwing a baby in the mix makes things that much more “hard”. A baby is definitely life changing, in the best way possible although they do bring added “stress” to a relationship. 

As many people read on my Instagram post, Wayne and I went through a break up a while ago which quickly changed into taking a break instead which is why I edited the post on Instagram. I know I said I was going to write about it all the next day but it was a little too hard for me to do. 

I’ll keep this post short as there are just so many details that I would add to this and could talk about but I feel that one would get the gist from a general post about it. 

Going through breakups are hard on their own, but again with a baby in the mix, its much MUCH harder! Your actions don’t only affect yourself, but more so your baby! Not only that, having a child means that you can not be selfish, you can not just leave without any words, you both have your baby to think about and both parties need to be involved in her life so you have to make that work for her! Having a child puts so much pressure on a relationship, its a real test; I remember reading so many articles before I gave birth that talked about how having a baby will break up your relationship and Wayne & I used to tell each other that that definitely wouldn’t apply to us. I can not be selfish about anything because our behaviour affects O and O deserves the best, she doesn’t deserve to be or feel as though she is in the middle of our fights and she should never see us fighting, so in that regard, you always need to keep calm and level headed even though all you want to do is be rude to the other one, stop talking to them and show them how much you don’t need them (which in ny case was the furthest from the truth), we need to behave normally around her and for her which again is just so difficult because you are seeing red and you don’t want to be calm and relaxed around that person! 

As I said, Wayne  and I decided to take a break because soon after the fight and we had time to cool down and we realised that we love eachother so much! Wayne and I have one hell of an amazing relationship, which is evident every day and after reflection and cool down from the fight it was and is very evident still. When you love someone with your whole heart, you can’t picture your life without them and want to make everything workout😊
The trick to our relationship is finding out how to get in sync with everything. Having a baby has made us grow up real quick, has changed us in a lot of ways, there are many things in our relationship that work for us and don’t work and the trick is to find a way to get in sync again the way we were before O came around. It’s really that simple. Things have changed and we need to recalibrate and adapt, which isn’t hard, communication is key and we will get there 😊
P.s WE’RE OFFICIALLY BACK TOGETHER Y’ALL ❤

#RealTalk

 

Good Morning

Life is hard!

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mum, I love my life and everything that’s happening at the moment but it’s SO hard. I think you all know from previous posts as well as if you know me in real life I love my daughter, Boyfriend & dog, and I am so grateful for everything but man… life has been kidogo (a little bit) rough recently; super early mornings, super late nights, 2 full time jobs; being a mum first and foremost & full time Social media marketing as well as photography gigs and part time work as a photographer, whatever I can get on the side. It’s been a rough month for the Karanja-Mutiso household despite all the hard work, people not paying up and expecting way too much of you, perhaps even asking things of you that are not your role seems to have been the may theme, so I mean I feel like I’m working 5 jobs not really earning as much as I should be, always worrying about where money is going and what it’s being spent on has been actually really rough, between rent, food costs, constant immunizations and hospital bills for Olive, vet and food costs for Bahati, taxi’s etc, I’ve been stressed out every single day this month! I’ve had breakdowns almost every single day and I’m trying to just keep positive. There are amazingly positive days then just really bad days but stress has accompanied them all! Being a full-time mum is even harder than giving birth to be honest even though I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Everything just seems to be catching up with me and not only that, I feel like because of this I’m completely stressed out all the time and that I may take it out on people around me (I’m so sorry Wayne), and I also might not be able to see my friends as much as I would like but I just want everyone to know how much I love you all!!

Wow…what a jumble of words, definitely a reflection of life right now but that’s my #REALTALK for the day.

Love & Light

 

 

You can’t do it like I can

I want to do absolutely everything for Olive, even though I’m very tired, yes, that doesn’t mean I want anyone else doing it, I may complain about being tired and having no energy, yes, but again that doesn’t mean I want anyone else taking care of her. Any new mama’s feel me on this? At times you get home after a really REALLY long day of work and you still “have” to take care of your baby and you may want to cry a little and feel sorry for yourself because you just feel so exhausted, so you do actually have a little cry and maybe be a little dramatic even though you know very well you wouldn’t have it any other way! People offer me help, like Wayne and my mother always ask if they should take Olive for a while and I answer “no” quite quickly and as if to say ” How could you even ask me that?!”, and I am so grateful for the help & support I have around me but I still want to be able to do it all!! I’m sure this will change when O is a bit bigger, I wont feel the need to do it all myself and it will be easier for me to let people take care of her while I catch some sleep or “relax” on my own for a while, but that’s my struggle at the moment!

I love spending time with my baby, she just means the absolute world to me so I know that even when I have those days that just seems too hard, I see her smile and everything is ok again, that smile is exactly why I am working so hard!

Side note, This is really terrible but do any of you mama’s or papa’s relate?; It gives me secret joys when O might not be so happy in someones arms and as soon as she gets back into mine she is happy, she loves her mama! Don’t tell me I’m the only one who thinks this. Now please don’t get me wrong, I do not in any way want O to be unhappy with people (it’s actually quite the contrary because O is quite an easy going baby and is usually happy with everyone, just those off times), I also just don’t want O to be unhappy at all, period, but there are those times it happens and I’m the only one she wants and it kind of makes me feel like I’m the best thing since breast milk in her eyes and I secretly love it!

#RealTalk

Cheers to My Number 1 Fans

Today I woke up feeling so blessed to have my parents. Don’t get me wrong, this is not the only day I have woken up feeling like this, this is just the first time I’ve realised that my parents didn’t even care what their friends would think of my pregnancy, or perhaps they did but never shared their fears with me. From the get go, the very first time they knew about my pregnancy they have been super supportive! My mum came to stay with me and help out, my dad drove all the way here everyday (ridgeways-karen) to check on me, and now to check on Olive. Not once mentioning any concerns about what anyone thinks about this whole pregnancy, I mean if I was scared about my age mates, I can only imagine what the older generation think! You know how Kenyans are very traditional when it comes to these sort of things, having a baby at 24/25 and not even married yet?! Oh gosh I can only imagine the thoughts; “look at how they raised their kids” bla bla bla (I’m just too tired to even think of all the things that could be said!) For goodness sake pursuing photography in university and as a career alone already came as a shock to quite a few, I have received a number of comments over the years that continue to shock me,  in this day and age especially but yeah I got used to that! So at the time being pregnant and now having a beautiful baby girl people must be thinking what a rebel family we are because God knows my parents did things a bit differently for their time too, apparently my mum was even called a gypsy mum by the older generation because she didn’t cover us up in 1001 sweaters, they let us run naked all over the place and be free. 

My parents actually just ROCK!! Thanks for supporting me through thick and thin, through EVERYTHING!

#GratitudeJournal #RealTalk

Domestics 🙅

As much as we women try to deny it, we are very dramatic souls, there comes those times when we just need to make our point across to our significant others that this (insert problem here) won’t fly! 

But with a new born in hand, domestics have become a much more complex situation! Now ladies, you know that pivotal moment where you’ve reached the end of your line, and all you want to do is storm out of the room in a fit of rage to complete the dramatic effect?? Well…lets just say that mine has become a little bit more complicated.

Let me lay it out for you;

1-storm out of room in fit of rage

2-storm back into said room to grab baby

3- begin to pack babys bag, complete with diapers, cream, clothes, blankets, little kit containing the thermometer etc and don’t forget the moses basket and car seat!

5- go back to your partner to calmly explain where you and OUR baby are going, because after all, she is OUR child, not only mine, but OURS and both parties need to know where she is at all times! So forget that “mysterious disappearance”

6- repeat step 3; our baby can’t have anything less because of my rage 

6- and FINALLY, with whatever dramatic flare you’ve managed to maintain throughout this 30 minute protocol, continue to attempt “dramatic exit” out of the vicinity.

I need to seriously re design my dramatic exits!!

#RealTalk

Hospital Runs 😵

Oh God! I’m sorry to use the Lord’s name in vain but I don’t think there is a stronger way if putting how I feel! We’ve just gotten back from the all night pharmacy at Karen hospital having had to buy some medicine for Olive’s gas, Wayne driving as fast as possible to avoid Bandits but at the same time having to be careful because Olive was in the car and because none of the bumps are marked…#TIA! Her gas is so bad that she is really crying in pain and we can even see & hear it sort of coming from her belly button! We almost committed insurance fraud too trying to get that medicine on Wayne’s insurance #Hustlers🙈 Any way we have the medicine and are waiting for her to wake up so we can give it to her, really praying and hoping this goes away and she’s not in pain anymore!

It’s just terrifying being a parent, constantly worried about every little thing that happens to Olive, every little Mark, discoloration, anything she puts in their mouth or that goes on her skin, every breath that sounds different, every new sound she makes, the list is honestly endless, THANK GOD for my peadiatrician Dr.Farida (at the hub, Karen), I am constantly on the phone with her or whatsapping her with every single query I have to which she is always happy to help, I wouldn’t be able to do this with out her! 

Mamas and Papas out there, if there is one piece of advice a new mama can give you is to get yourself an amazing paediatrician like mine, she honestly makes all the difference in the world, and enables me to sleep at Night!

#realtalk